I’m not as stupid
As I used to be
But way more stupid
Than I used to believe

Why not? Actual qualifications are completely unnecessary. So here’s your plan: whatever you do, don’t tell voters the truth, They hate that. Instead, make up some wild stories and call them the truth. Let your imagination go wild. The bigger and stupider the lie, the better. Making sense will only turn people off.

Tell the stories over and over and over. When they are proven false, deny it. Make up new lies for why the “proofs” are really wild stories and transparent lies.

Be sure your stories have villains who voters already hate and fear. When possible, however, provide new people to hate and new things to fear. Never forgive, never admit that you’ve made a mistake, and always double down.

Now run for office. If you lose, don’t admit it. If you win, do not govern. Just keep telling the wild lies and use them to raise as much money as you possibly can.

Run for re-election, and never look back.

Thank you for your service.

Feel the outrage
Ablaze inside
It fries your brains and
Churns your guts

These bastids, you think
Are without shame
Has our whole
World gone nuts?

Perhaps it has
But think of this:
There is one thing
That’s quite clear-cut

The bastids are even
More outraged
(Though their heads are
Up their butts)

I see that two exciting new products have entered the sweepstakes for my nutrition dollar. They are enticingly named “Fruits” and “Veggies,” but the products themselves appear to be…just pills.

I am assured by the promotional materials for Fruits and Veggies that they are crafted entirely from actual fruits and vegetables. All of the benefits I might receive from consuming those plant materials are conveniently packed into tiny tablets of natural goodness. Actual chewing (which we know can be exhausting and even dangerous) is encouraged, but not necessary. Fruits, at least, are said to have a pleasant fruity taste. No such claim is made for Veggies.

The ads for Fruits (in the red bottle) and Veggies (in the green one) feature actual smiling nutritionists who speak in glowing terms of the wonders wrought by these easy-eatin’ quasi-foodstuffs. As I listen, I look for some kind of tell in their testimonials. A slight smirkyness in their smiles, perhaps, or some hint of goofiness in their deliveries.

Because I can’t help thinking that this whole charade is some kind of elaborate practical joke. Or perhaps a trailer for some bad straight-to-video science fiction movie. Food pills? It’s just too corny. Why stop with Fruits and Veggies? How about Steak and Potatoes gelcaps? And where’s my Lemon Meringue lozenge for dessert?

Okay, that’s just silly. Or maybe it isn’t. Fruits and Veggies would have seemed silly, too…until they started spending millions advertising them on TV. Maybe this is not bad science fiction, but our actual, real future rolling out. Maybe the future is going to be nothing more than a succession of rejected Twilight Zone scripts that were thought to be too lame — pointless, uninspired, and just plain stupid.

Or perhaps poorly written episodes of The West Wing, for that matter. Or even scorned plot lines from Game of Thrones ...without the dragons. Maybe that’s what reality is, in fact. Just a long, meandering succession of poorly plotted, half-baked stories without any resolution or even the hint of a moral lesson.

So stop complaining and just tough it out. And eat your Veggies.

(It wasn’t me, by the way. It was supernatural beings that caused the lapse in timeagan.com output last week. Khione, the Greek goddess of snow conspired with Nerdi, the non-gendered deity of wifi connectivity to stop my updates. And my prayers to them did not help. So much for religion.)