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Category: Humans

Fear and Clothing
Writing about your dreams is a little like writing about your cat. Nobody is very interested. Since I have already ignored the cat caveat (just once, though), I might as well go ahead and tell you about my weird dream.

I am not going to relate a wild, disjointed adventure featuring all kinds of creatures and celebrities. Those kinds of dreams can never be adequately conveyed in the waking world. That’s one of the reasons they are boring to hear about. We all enjoy those kinds of grand scale, all-star events, but they just don’t travel very well outside our own subconscious. No, this dream was pretty simple, really. It was the naked dream. That got your attention, didn’t it?

Anyway, you know the one — you’re out in public somewhere, and all of a sudden, you discover that you are completely naked. Not a stitch of clothing, and people are looking at you with alarm. They are too nice to say anything, it seems, but the looks on their faces are quite telling.

I hadn’t had one of these in a while, but my reaction is always the same: brazen it out, pretend that everything is okay. No need to be concerned, folks, I’m naked on purpose. See how casually I’m acting?

I wasn’t exactly sure what meaning such dreams have, so I googled “naked dream” just to see what the head doctors have to say about it. Well, it turns out I am a sniveling coward with a persona shot through with crippling insecurities. Also, I am likely hiding some hideous secret that would repel anyone who found out. Of course, I already knew all that, but it is kind of sobering to have it confirmed by a panel of experts.

This might be the point at which you would ask, “Okay, he was naked and embarrassed. So what? Kinda funny, but now I’m bored again.” To which I reply, “Please, bear with me. I haven’t gotten to the surprise ending yet.”

In this naked dream, I wasn’t completely without camouflage. Apparently, I had been out shopping in my dream when the nakedness struck, because I was carrying a shopping bag. That is strictly a waking world deduction, of course, because dreams don’t usually make sense in the way we’re used to. And yet, it was sensibleness that made this dream so remarkable. If you don’t count the inexplicable attack of nudity itself, the rest of the nightmare actually made sense. In spite of my embarrassment, I took careful stock of my situation and settled on the best course of action.

Buy some pants! Right? If you need pants but you don’t have any, that is what you do. So I walked into a men’s store (in a dream, it’s right there in front of you). The guy behind the counter immediately knew what I was looking for. He didn’t ask why I was naked (too polite, I’m thinking), though he did shoot me a suspicious look.

I found a nice pair of blue denims. They looked as though they might be meant for a younger man, but they were 36/32…and they were on sale! Unfortunately, that’s where the dream ended, so I still wasn’t sure if the fit and style were quite right. But that is okay. The point here is that I had not panicked. I had confronted my problem and solved it — quickly, confidently, and in a flattering color!

Indeed, I am quite proud of myself. I may still be a craven weakling with a terrible secret, but I’m also a capable, can-do guy. In my dreams, at least.
See the Light
Is that what I think it is? Is that the light at the end of the tunnel?

It’s still a long way off, but if you squint you can see it up ahead. There is what appears to be the carcass of an enormous lame duck blocking the way, but we’ll be by that in a bit. The smell of it, though, might be with us for a while. I’m going to burn all my clothes once we’re past it and maybe do a deep body cleanse.

Once we’re past the rotting hulk, it will still be tough going. There could be a cave in; those timbers look like they could give way at any moment. And (let’s be honest, given the year we’ve had) that light we see may turn out to be a raging fire, in which case we are all doomed.

But I’m trying to avoid such negative thoughts right now. It’s a new year and a chance for a fresh start. In fact, in this moment of hope and positivity, I’m thinking that maybe the light we’re seeing isn’t at the end of a tunnel at all. As long as we’re hoping for something good, why not go big?

That light could be something completely different. Like the first light of morning! And we’re all about to wake up and discover that 2020 was just a very bad dream! Coincidentally, the very same bad dream for all of us!

If we can just believe hard enough, it could happen!
Nice Try
Americans are a nice people. Really. Didn’t we did just finish celebrating a holiday that showcases gratitude and thankfulness? Undeniably nice, Id say. And now we are heading into and even bigger celebration that is all about giving. Super nice.

You might suggest here, speaking merely as the Devil’s Advocate (for which you are being handsomely paid, I’ll wager), that some of our other holidays might paint a somewhat different picture of the American psyche. That is fine, of course, because in this country representatives of pure evil are always welcome to join the discussion. In this case, as Satan’s White-shoed Solicitor, you would point to the very next holiday on the docket, New Year’s Eve. Its focus seems to be getting slobbering drunk, taking part in dangerous and illegal behavior, and wrecking whatever good may have been wrought by the previous two holidays. Okay, point taken. But that’s just one holiday.

I’m going bypass the heroes and Presidents’ holidays, if you don’t mind. I would argue that it’s good to honor people whose qualities we’d like to emulate, but never mind. I know that you (as the Prince of Darkness’ Mouthpiece) would strenuously object. Before we start congratulating ourselves about Honest Abe and MLK, you would probably demand to see some proof that we all tend to be more honest or non-violent around these holidays. Wouldn’t you? I am not prepared, at this time, to produce that evidence. Instead, why don’t we move on to the next large, regular holiday…

St. Valentine’s Day! It’s all about love! What could be more lovable than that? The candy, the flowers, the goopy greeting cards! I am already sensing, however, that you (as Lucifer’s Lawyer) are about to complain that all the lovey-doveyness is manufactured and coerced. I hope you don’t mind me saying so, but that seems so cold, cynical, and (I’m beginning to suspect) un-American.

Which brings us to Memorial Day and the 4th of July. You got a problem with those holidays, Beelzebub’s Buttboy?!

Okay, that was over the line. I guess I lost it there for a second. I wasn’t nice, that’s for sure. Why don’t we just move on to Labor Day? Even the Archfiend needs a day off, right? Wait a minute…No? Are you really saying, Counselor to the Antichrist, that Labor Day is a holiday for slackers?

You know, I’m starting to think that maybe the Devil doesn’t even have a right to an attorney. Anyway, we’ve come all the way around to Thanksgiving again. And I’m just thankful this discussion is over. Case closed.
There it sits
In the back
Of the fridge
Faded, deflated
Flaccid and flat
Sad and alone
Bereft of appeal

It was once
A proud confection
Beautiful, fulsome
Fragrant and enticing
But no more
A lump of starch now
And a blob of goo

Yes, stiff and shrunken
But still filled with fat
And even flavor
So what will it be?
Devour the morsel
Or scrape it
Into oblivion

Or, a third way?
Levitate the glob
And containerize
Then shove it back
Even deeper in the fridge
To mellow, to cure
To steep, to age
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Trump supporters are people who know what they believe.
~ JC, Bonny Doon