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In keeping with a fine Eaganblog tradition, the time has come to present my annual predictions for the new year.

My first prediction is that all of my predictions will turn out to be correct. Why wouldn’t they? They’ve all been right so far. Nitpickers might point out that this is the first installment in this fine Eaganblog tradition, but that does not make it any less flawless.

Global warming will continue. On the plus side, it will be a dry heat.

Hillary will prove that she is still tone deaf by signing her own speech at the American Council of the Blind.

Donald Trump will eat a toddler on live TV and the next day be named The Sexiest Man Alive.

Bernie Sanders will be elected President (though Trump will win the popular vote by over ten million votes).

The Supreme Court will decide that, like corporations, guns are people too. As such, they have rights, including freedom of speech. In fact, they are entitled to the last word on almost any subject (especially the right to bear arms).

In art news, the Taj Mahal will be exposed as a forgery.

Self-driving cars will appear in showrooms. They will feature plenty of bells and whistles, but only the luxury models will offer a road rage package, complete with self-firing bazooka.

“Affluenza” will reach epidemic proportions, ending poverty worldwide.

Drones will begin delivering packages right to your door along with firefighting equipment and emergency medical assistance.

Robot umpires will be introduced in the minors, along with robot cops in minority neighborhoods. Bad calls will go way down.

Quentin Tarantino’s next movie will be released in full Bloodvision. Depending on your ticket, you will be spattered, splashed, or drenched in gore.

Jesus will come to earth and appear in front of the U.N. General Assembly. He will reveal that he is really more of a secular humanist himself, but that the Rapture will go on as scheduled. Accordingly, only sincere Democratic Socialists will be transported to heaven.

The sun will go out for a few minutes in late May, but it will come right back on so don’t sweat it.

And finally, Jennifer Lawrence will ask me out on a date, but I will be forced to decline.

See you next year (at least that’s what I’m predicting).
Trump supporters are people who know what they believe.
~ JC, Bonny Doon