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A Friend in Need
I think this might be a good time for all of us to stop for a moment, take a deep breath, and step back from this whole impeachment thing. No matter where you stand on this matter, you’ll have to admit that it’s a source of stress. The wild claims, the charges and countercharges, the wall-to-wall coverage of such matters have taken their toll on everyone. Instead, I want to talk about something we all need to help us through these turbulent times. I am speaking, of course, of impoochment.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with this program, permit me to explain. Impoochment is the practice of providing emotional support animals (usually dogs, as you might have guessed) to those who suffer from any kind of stress or other emotional burden. Right now, that could mean all of us.

I am so convinced of the wisdom of impoochment, that I am proposing here, for the first time, that our government provide a dog for every man, woman, and child in this country. Perhaps then, despite the differences that divide us and the challenges we all face, we can come together and heal as a people.

And when I advocate for full impoochment, I include the President himself. His calls for a new Civil War, his obsessive, non-stop tweeting, and his escalating estrangement from the truth and reality itself should be seen, not as reasons for removal from office, but as cries for help. All I am saying is that a puppy or two couldn’t hurt — and those pups just might keep him from acting out so much.

Trouble is, Donald isn’t much of a dog person. In spite of that, rumors persist that he did keep a large support jackal in the Lincoln bedroom during the early days of his presidency. Sources report that he never actually touched the poor beast — at least not in a loving way. In the end, it seems, he had it put down, suspecting that it was not being supportive enough.

After that, Mike Pence had eagerly volunteered for the job, though it is not known precisely what form his support may have taken. More recently, however, even this special bond was weakened somewhat when the President invited reporters to examine Mike’s own interactions with Ukrainian President Zelensky. Some observers have suggested that including Mr. Pence as part of the anti-Biden conspiracy adventure would keep the Veep from getting any ideas about running away from home. Kinder experts might say that the move will actually move the two running mates closer together.

Perhaps even in the same cell, once this whole thing shakes out. Under my proposal, they would then be entitled to have support dogs in there with them. Yes, they should be impeached, but our humanity demands that they also be impooched.
Trump supporters are people who know what they believe.
~ JC, Bonny Doon