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Drugs of Choice
Humans have a long history of taking drugs. Alcohol in all its forms has been particularly popular, along with psychoactive plants like mushrooms and marijuana. People just like to get high and have a few laughs. Is there really anything wrong with that? Of course not. That’s why it’s so good to see that drugs are now widely accepted as a good thing. They have come out of the shadows and truly flourished everywhere.

Especially on TV. Not weed and ‘shrooms (not yet, anyway), but you can’t miss all the ads for perfectly legal, doctor-recommended compounds straight from Big Pharma. In the interests of science, I have made a study of those ads and have compiled a list of the medicines that seem to have the most desirable effects (aside from helping people with their medical problems).

Number one has got to be Skyrizi. The people who take these drugs in ads seem to live the most fulfilled, wholesome, and deliriously happy lives. Whatever affliction they may be suffering from is either in remission or completely cured. I’d be gulping down Skyrizi by the handful if I could get my doctor to prescribe it, but he claims I don’t “need” it.

A close second on the high-on-life scale is Ozempic. Again, I’m not sure what malady this drug is meant to address, but it is definitely doing something right. Those ingesting it are active, fun to be with, and beloved by anyone whose lives they touch. Moreover, they don’t seem to be suffering in any way from whatever they’re suffering from.

The same goes for those on a program of Rybelsus (which, coincidentally, professes to be a remedy for the same condition that Ozempic treats). These folks seem happy as well, but I detect a touch of melancholy to the bright-and-shiny yard sales they like to attend. Rybelsus is not so much a downer as a lower upper than Ozempic.

Rounding out the top five stonerific prescription drugs are Leqvio and Rinvoq. They both feature the letter Q in their names (which is qool), but are prescribed, it seems, for different disorders. I rate their “highs” as roughly the same: like some “light mind, light body” sativa that has been forgotten in the back of your sock drawer for a couple of years. Still gets you buzzed, though.

This is all surmisal, of course. I’ve never taken any of these drugs because my physician is such an ethical stickler. All I’ve got to go on is those TV ads, but that evidence is overwhelming: this is some high quality shit.

Fortunately, I do have access to one (and widely advertised) prescription drug: Eliquis. I won’t bore you with the medical condition it’s prescribed for. The main thing — as I have been trying to convey here — is how a drug makes you feel. And what is that feeling with Eliquis, you ask? Well, just take a looks at the ads. Old people smiling! Taking part in fun outdoor activities. It’s like a fountain of youth, they seem to be saying.

Well, I’m here to tell you that it’s not exactly playing out that way (in spite of the usually reliable Q in the name). My happiness level hasn’t gone up appreciably, and you could say that having to take a pill twice a day has actually made me grumpier. Furthermore, I haven’t gotten any friendlier — not like those people in the ads, anyway. They seem to get along famously with just about everybody. Whew!

Come to think of it, they don’t act like sick people at all. And yes, I know they’re actors. I’m not a fool, you know. Anyway, I’m going to keep taking it just in case. It may be a delayed reaction rush.

Please Note: Tim Eagan will read your comments but he is currently not publishing them.

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Yes, voting matters. Polls do not.
~ H, Santa Cruz