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Dead Etiquette
The walking dead are everywhere these days. They’re on TV. They’re down at the local cinema. For all we know, they might be walking among us. And that raises an important question about manners.

Ordinarily, if someone is determined to eat your brains, you don’t need to observe the courtesies expected in polite society. No one demands that we say “please,” or “thank you,” or “after you, I insist” to a zombie. Their willingness to crack open our skulls and gobble our gray matter clearly absolves us of such duties.

When it comes to appropriate terms of address, however, I think we should not be so quick to abandon etiquette. Proper greeting is a base-level sign of respect that is fundamental to our social order. And why should such rules apply to the undead, you ask?Well, as I understand the zombie phenomenon, any dead body can be reanimated and made to lurch around in search of other peoples’ thinkmeat. The person (or soul or life force or consciousness) who previously inhabited the body has (according to many) gone on to its reward. If that person has lead an exemplary life, so the story goes, he or she is welcomed into Heaven and invited to sing Hosannas for all eternity.

Such folks aren’t just good people, they’re saints. Doesn’t that entitle their remains to a certain level of respect? I think we have to say yes, if only to honor their memory and all the fine things they did and stood for while alive.

It’s tricky, though. We wouldn’t want to get caught, frozen, struggling to choose the most respectful way to address a saint, while the saint’s revivified carcass tries to eat you. Oh, I know what you’re thinking: “Come on, dude, it’s a zombie! Just blow its head off with a 12-gauge and let God sort it out.” Okay fine, but what if it’s a Jesus zombie? What if he has rolled the stone away and come out as one of the living dead? What are your chances of getting into Heaven if you blow the head off the Son of God? All I am saying is that it never hurts to be polite.

So how does one address a saint, exactly? For instance, do I call Saint John the Baptist “Saint” or “Saint John” or just “John?” “Baptiste” has a nice flair to it, but none of these seems right. Sir or madam seem wrong, somehow, too. How about something appropriate to their station? Your eminence? Your grace? Reverend? Those seem too stilted — and might even be taken as a mocking jibe by an already agitated zombie.

As an alternative, I am suggesting the simple term “friend.” It is, after all, the highest honor we can grant to a fellow human being. It is intimate without being too familiar, welcoming without demanding anything in return. I can’t imagine anyone, living or undead, objecting to it as a proper term of address. I haven’t had the opportunity to field-test this greeting with an actual zombie, but I feel confident in recommending it as a respectful and polite greeting for anybody who meets one. As the being staggers toward you, hail it cheerily with a “What ho, good friend?” and see what happens.

If it still insists on eating your brains, there’s always the 12-gauge. At least you tried. That is all polite society expects.

Please Note: Tim Eagan will read your comments but he is currently not publishing them.

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No "new normal" for me, this shit ain't normal.
~ MS, Truckee