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Fair & Rainy
It has been suggested to me that these essays have tended to skew to the dark side. My gentle readers seem concerned that I might be dwelling too much on the vexing aspects of our world without giving hope and optimism their due.

Let me just say that I am touched by these expressions of care. Rest assured, all of you, that I am at heart a warm and fuzzy person. It’s just that I keep my fuzz closely shaven and my warmth set just a hair below room temperature.

But I love rainbows! Gosh, who doesn’t? When I see children’s depictions of these magical natural wonders, I am always filled with joy. Unless, of course, the colors are arrayed in an incorrect order. Red should be at the top of the rainbow, followed by orange, yellow, green, blue, and purple. Come on, people! It’s simple science.

Furthermore, the sun should never appear in the same frame with a rainbow (though, in a depressing number of these drawings, it does just that). For the rainbow effect to be even possible, the sun must be behind the viewer, with the water vapor in the sky refracting light back to the eye of the observer. It is only because I love rainbows so much that I demand that they be accurately portrayed.

Also, I think unicorns are adorable. So graceful, so lovely, so pink, so purple! But let’s be clear, kids…they do not exist! Flying horse-like creatures would defy the laws of physics that we all love. And if they did exist, that alarmingly sharp horn or antler or spear or whatever it is on their foreheads would have to be removed in the interest of public safety — and the welfare of the innocent little children who believe in them.

I want to be clear as well that I admire books and movies and other works of art that are life-affirming. We certainly do need more light and positivity and family-friendliness in this dreary world. Just don’t ask me to actually read these books or blow my twelve bucks on such films. I’ve had all the saccharin and aspartame and acesulfame potassium I can stomach in this lifetime. But please keep cranking out this dreck, because my beloved fellow humans seem hopelessly addicted to it.

Babies of any kind never fail to lift my spirits. I would be a cold person indeed if I were not charmed by their big, trusting eyes and their cuddliness. When they are not squalling, or soiling the furniture, or creating havoc in our lives, they can be irresistibly cute. Unless they are insects, that is. Or snakes, or fish, or germs, or anything too large or too small. Keep those things away from me, if you don’t mind. Kittens and puppies, however, are wonderful — if adequately deodorized and restrained.

You see? I am brimming with glad tidings. In fact, I have to have myself hosed down with Lysol on a regular basis.

Please Note: Tim Eagan will read your comments but he is currently not publishing them.

Trump supporters are people who know what they believe.
~ JC, Bonny Doon